You want what You can't have.

what to do

Tue, 23 Aug 2005 20:37:37 GMT

i haven't written in here in so long, but i hope the people im talking to still will take the time to read this.

I honestly dont know what i did, i know i didn't do it on purpose. i pushed the people closest to me, who very rairly judged me...far far away. i dont know how or if i will ever be able to pick up the pieces that i let behind, but if any of you are reading this...please help me.

Im sorry for being so negative all the time....towards the end of school i just felt so lost, and lonely, and i didn't know how to make myself feel better, so i distracted myself with work and other non important things. witch just made me feel even less connected with the people i truly care about. i hope i can fix whatever damage i've done and you all can forgive and forget. i miss having true friends around, and being able to call and say hi. i miss being called just to see whats new in my life.

im sorry...

Sun, 14 Nov 2004 06:00:41 GMT

I have AIM now...crzytear8 Add me...and then Im me becuse I dont have anyone anymore

Wed, 30 Jul 2003 18:04:51 GMT

school starts in two weeks.....

How is that possible......its all gunna be gone.....

Tue, 22 Jul 2003 22:44:24 GMT

hahaha, i judt read the funniest thing i have heard in a while.

"Life isn't like a box of chocolates.....It's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow"

lol. ne wyas last night i went to see pirates of the caribean. It was really good, i didn't really know what to expect becuz i've only been to disney land once b4 and it was when i was little so i dont remember it or what it was about. but it was cool then me, anita, paige, and ryan when to go chill at ihop. YUMMM. good foood... Then ryan peed on some mail boxes it was hilariouse....guess you had to be there... and we all sat in teh back on my truck to chill, it was fun.

Anita is going on this trip, and i have all but one of those days off and they might have an extra ticket so i might come and then go visit some family i have up in sisco. IM EXCITED!!!!!!! AHHHH

I HATE THE WEATHER!!

ITS FUCKING SUMMER IT NEEDS TO BE WARM. WTF?!

bye!

Wed, 16 Jul 2003 04:47:18 GMT

Today i think was the best day i ahve ahd in a long time, i mean i was utterly happy...even at work. Some days just feel right. i want to much to just stay liek this forever, i mean i feel fine with who i am, and who i want to be. im ok without a guy...i dont know why i keep worring about it, if the right guy comes along then thats cool but if not i have enough to acomplish.....ugh i sound so responsible....stop me..lol. people need to come over and watch movies one day soon!! >tim!!! hint hint...

i have a question for you all to answer!

what is the most important thing to you? and i guess why?

i will leave you all with that little note.

CAR FUN!!!

Tue, 15 Jul 2003 05:57:10 GMT

I GOT A NEW CAR!!! i got a brand new 2003 ford ranger, its hella nice and its all mine, not my mos its mine and IM SO EXCITED, I JUST CAN"T FIGHT IT!!

i feel so lucky that i got a new car, i mean my moms first car was a 500 dollar pinto....she didn't die in it too...(obviously) but ya its cool. this is turning out to be the best summer ever

ya so i haven't even writen in here in forever my summer has been ok. not bad not great. I'm working sooo much latelyn i hardly ever have a whole day off, but its cool, i probably wouldn't have that much else to do, and at least im getting paid. I applied for a "second" summer job, but i doubt im going to get it. its cool though. umm i still dont have a man...and i doubt im going to find one so i kind of gave up...

I've been having some really wierd dreams lately, and i dont know how to make dreams stop...bcuz welll i can't control them...duh..

some more good news, we got a new couch! exciting its a white lether couch, i hope it doesn't get too hot...bcuz that would suck...

ok well im tierd and i have to get up early for work, and then the beach YAY!! and ya so im excited about my truck and thats the reason im staing up to be on the computer..

Sun, 15 Jun 2003 05:21:37 GMT

im so glad its summer...but i wish we had more then a shitty 2 monthes.

Who remebers when it was a full 3 monthes...and thats how it should ahve staid.

CAR!!!!

Fri, 09 May 2003 03:56:34 GMT

AHHHHHHHH im sooooo excited.

I GOT MY OWN CAR!! its nothing liek special but tis my own car, good gas milage so i can go anywhere i want now.. ya bitch! goddamn im so excited. i get it saterday or maybe sunday but im excited....ahhhhhhhhh i can't wait its a red haundi excel....not great but hey its a car....everyone be excited for me..lol bcuz im already too excited....

Wed, 16 Apr 2003 23:41:17 GMT

boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys
boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys boys

they suck

Tue, 08 Apr 2003 22:41:42 GMT

GRRR!!! i just fucking typed a whole long assss entry and it didn't go through so now here i go alllll over again.

OK im having a kickass party at my house (invite only) if i didn't invite you there is a reason (can only have so manY) hehe. but if your coming bring your appetite bcuz this ice cream shit needs to be gone with its bad self.

I need a MAN! a real man!

OK i went to jack in the box for lunch and i asked for soem curly fries with my order and they gave me regualr ones....what a load of crap, but still goood. I dont like being in 10th grade, i can't wait until next year and i can leave for lunch.

Im going to start my year book for this year, its going to be better than last years, and then each year it will get better, and better. I bought a bunch of papers, and im going to start bringing my camera to school on alot of days so i can get a crap load of coolie pictures.

GRRRR i wish i could have cut of his tiny penis today....snip snip.
then i would throw his penis at him! yep yep! BITCHEN!

I like cheese and i NEEDDDDD a MAN!

i love my friends so much always actin dumb and goofy, i think we are the most inmature people ever because we can seriously laugh at anything...and its great....

I got some kick ass stickers and a windmill pen thats pink, its the bestest ever!!

Yo tengo mucho tarea porque mas maestras es (poop. LOL IM GUNNA FAIL SPANISH! aren't you so excited for me? yep me too....who has a GOOOD joke? i need to hear a good joke that will brighten my day even if its a little stupid...someone tell me a coolie joke.

Umm well im hungry and i need to find me a man, so bye-bye!

Oh Oh Oh i have had soooo much to eat today for breakfast which i hardly ever eat ne ways, i had 2 waffles, a smoothie, a soda, and a crossant...

LAS VEGAS HERE I COME!!

ICE CREAM, there is sooooo much left over, OMG its sickening you better eat all of it or i am gunna.?.?.?.? gunna.?.?.?.?.? well when i figure it out and you dont eat it you will know what! what now bitch!!! lol. bye!

i need to go find a man and eat

im paranoid..lolol.....stupid..

Thu, 03 Apr 2003 18:32:41 GMT

stupid things....

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

so anyways....now that thats over with...
GRRRRRRRRRR im sooo pissed now...fuck parents they bite big ass!!!! GRRRRRRR its not even my parents this time...GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. BITCHES DIE!!
ok angry is slowly coming out...i have to work today,....sucky....finished almost all of the fucking science fair project...YAY!!

spring break is going by fast i need more time to do hw....crap!

me and katelyn almsot got into an accedent yesterday it was scary....this guy pulled out in front of me, and i had to like slam on the braks and i was like 4 inches from his car, and no matter what it would have been my fault even tho he was a fucking idiot!!!
funstuff

cereal is good.

there is so much icecream left voer from this stupid project, who think we should have a kick ass ice cream party....and i already threw away the peppermint so noone has to eat that shity shit. lol. at schoool or at my hosue one weekend...hummmmmmm

my aunt lives in whichita...lol

damn, why is it so cold in my fucking house....brrr

ok im hungry bye!

Sat, 29 Mar 2003 19:07:04 GMT

Todays plans:
Go to work, and then emilys party when its like over...what a load of crap. I hate some people sometimes, i mean i hate when you realize your being taken advantage of, it really bothers me. I guess thats why you know who your real friends are and thats all that matters.

Yesterday i got really frusterated (sp?) bcuz people piss me off, i have a job true but i doesn't mean im going to pay for shit, and give people money whenever they need it, or once again it dosen't mean im going to be taken advantage of just because i do have a job....what a load of crap................

Today i went a bought a yellow ribbon, to suport our troops.

I dont like the war but there is not fucking point to protesting it now! ITS STARTED!! so support your troops, and bring them home..wear a yellow ribbon!!! ya bitches!

I realize more and more everyday that i hate him more and more everyday! even though it has been forever and a half, hes dumb hes extremly dumb, and stupid and mean, and a hypocrite, and a jackass, and stupid, and a little bitch, and a creep...GGRRRRR

Im glad its spring break, no stress, mostly fun...but i have a ton of fucking hw to do...wtf?! its spring break why do teachers give us hw....no one is going to do it...

i need food!! bye!

new layout bitches!!!

Fri, 28 Mar 2003 17:33:11 GMT

Tia made me a new kick ass layout...damn its cool. funny pictures too. THANX TIA!!!!

So during this break i have been doing a whole lot of nothing, which includes laying around getting fatter, eating alot, eating ice cream, and working...fun fun..

Since i have had a job, i have been spending soooooooooo much money. like mad crazy. My pay for the whole year so far (3 months) is like 1300 right...so w/e i dont have in the bank is what i have spent. i have fucking 300$ in the fucking bnak so basiclly i have spent about 1000 dollars on shit, and food in fucking 3 monthes.....TIME TO BUDGET!

i hate gas...it blows.

just for all of you that i dont have your emails...if you want o email me you can email me at starz184@hotmail.com....or or or my new kick ass email!!

slowjoe_cheese@quackquack.com

HAHAHHAHAHA! so fun for me.

reply if you like the layout!!

well i need to go be bored for a while bye!

Mon, 17 Mar 2003 00:55:44 GMT

school is boring. ok the school play for drama is pretty danm close to shit...im "A girl" i know all of my lines already
ready!!
senor

i am here already, sir

there im dont. what a load and im still SOOO pissed about not being able to leave school campus because im in 10th grade....thats so much shit. and if it wasn't for ratting people out which is not my style...there are soo many people who leave and already 3 teachers have asked me how else leaves...and i actually can't beleive i haven't told becuz i pretty much hate most of them. but i wont..this time...but when they get caught im going to laugh my ass off..
im upgrading personal project, its dumb....im horrible at writeing and i hate every minute of it. I passed, im just trying to get a better grade.
My mom is liek always ripping me off, since i have a job i have to pay for everything i ever buy....she wont pay for anythign except like rent for our house...shes so screwed over sometimes.. I swear she borowed 5$ from me, adn then i said i was gunna go get a smoothie, and she could just pay for it and were even...but no the 5 bucks was for some imaginary gas that she had to buy.....so now im out 10 bucks... shes a bitch sometimes.

I haven't updated in so long its like i have forgoten what i need to update.

At least i found someone to like...just kind of like a gaming event, nothing that i take seriously but i can have some fun while its here... ;) right?..lol

I finally told kalen that i know hes read my live jouranl, and now i feel like just saying a bunch of shit about him just to piss him off.. except i dont really care ne more....w/e i said wouldn't be "real". i wont waste my energy on that fucking jerk off...

Im so sick, it sucks...and i dont like being sick, because its no fun AT ALL.....

ok well im out

Thu, 06 Mar 2003 23:43:57 GMT

I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST!!!!!
YIPPPPPPPPYY!!!!
im so excited. i passed i passed i passed. so relieving too. i was soooo fucking nervouse though, im so seriously i felt like i was going to throw up b4 it started.....then i was just nervouse... but I PASSED!!!

so today i wentt o go eat at the pancack house, and i was holding my moms friends baby, and he is soo cute but when i took him he started like bawling....now i know i dont want any danm kids, and they dont want me...hehe

im glad testign is voer, except i actually have to go to all my classes now, and that sucks big time...but hey i guess thats life.

wierd.....

Thu, 06 Mar 2003 01:37:30 GMT

Had some interesting events happen today.....

I GET TO GET MY LISENCE!!

tomarrow im going to take the test, and ill have my lisence assuming i pass.....ugh im so very nervouse. eekkkk.

Talking crap sucks....i mean you never mean too, sometimes you think your helping a stiuation by participating. i would apoligize if i knew that it would make a difference, maybe ill apoligize later. i feel really bad though, and i feel like a hypocrite. i guess i can only learn from my mistakes........shhiiiiittttyyyy.....

have a ton of homework, not really planning on doing any of it.

got asked a funny question today....and i mean it didn't bother me, just made me think 'more'. how does it feel to be gay, i mean not for my sake, but i dunno i kind of wondered how it felt to be gay....hummmmm tricky questions.

I have such a bad head ache. stupid stupid wesley was picking me over his head and then swinging me around, until i was dizzy as fuck. i fell over. and now my head hurts...

stick sucks. <period haha boys getting taken sucks big balls...i wish he wasn't taken. STUPID g/f! Im not planning on calling ryan....i mean ill look stupid so i think ill just be stupid instead.....(that makes so sence even to me) ohh well whats a good way to de stress....reply cuz i need it... im too up tight...soemtimes.. bye!

Wed, 05 Mar 2003 02:09:34 GMT

been a while..
well im tierd, personal project is fucking over!!! THANK YOU!!

got my grade for it; over all 34. what a load of crap, its passing but its still crap. ohh well i can up grade

I dont want to present this shit.

i met a guy on friday, he was really ncie and cute and he gave me his number i haven't called YET, but i will. gotta make him wait. and we talked for like 45 mins or so. it was nice hes 17.
he has dark black hair. hes nice.
My mom FINALLY made a fucking apt for me to take my driving test. its thursday!
IM SOOOO NERVOUSE but im SOOOOOOOO EXCITED at the same time.

i hope i pass....

my cat is getting neuterd and declawed this friday....poor cat..
and i found out if you cut off a cats wiskers he will walk into walls and stuff.....
(science experiment here i come) jk lololol. i wish my mom would kill me.

i bought girl scout cookies, and ate the whole fucking box in 2 days....im such a fat ass pig....so sad...

im probably failing math, and have a D in bio. school sucks...they should like not count it becuz of personal project. what a load.
ITS COLD!!!!

where is the warmth?! (we need some even for a day)

ok well im out of usless crap to say...

Fri, 21 Feb 2003 15:57:57 GMT

last night at rehersal was so fun! ME and tim were sitting and playing with his suit. making puppets, and killing each others hands. it as cool. then me trista, and katie for hit on by these guys at vibe, and then they found out we were in high school, and hehe they walked away it was funny. then we almost ran over this marine guy. it was great. i need to work on talking louder, can you believe it?. louder?. ne wyas i have work to get to bye

Wed, 19 Feb 2003 22:44:03 GMT

i tried to go to school today, but i felt like crap. and since it wasn't like i had anything better to do at home (NOT) i went home. i need to do so much crap, im sick of this personal project crap. no more. its the poo. Im going to the theater tonight. im excited. It was fun last night. I went, and i felt kind of sick off and on, but i dunno it was nice to just be doing something again. and i went and got good chinese food, but i couldn't eat ANY OF IT!! it made me really sick. gumblyportad!!!! I did my bibliography for my pp. and i finished writing my personal statement, but i have alot of editing to do because its fucking 6000 words!!! wayyyyyyyy too long. its 18 pages 1/2 spaced. fuck fuck fuck. and it needs to only be 2500. this is nuts.
I had the wierdest dreams this past weekend. one dream i had was in mr C's class, and ther was a vent on each side of the room, and i went to go look at one, then i walked away and emily brooks was climbing out of another vent to get into our room from the other one. and then trista told on me and said i was trying to climb out adn escape, and mr C got all teachery and started yelling and i ran home crying. ahy ggesh.
Another dream i had was i was driving and anita was in the car, and we were talking and stuff. and all of a sudden it gets like day time, (it was dark) and we both get really really sun burned from the day time, and we get so burnt we turned like green. (fire is hotter when tis green rather than red). and we were like neon green, and in pain adn stuff. then i drove off the road into a lake. crazy crazy dreams.....
one more dream!::::
Ok i was sitting on an empty road and it was like snowing but not alot. and i was sitting there in liek jeans and a t-shirt eating pizza, when i see a car coming and i stand up and like hitch hike a ride. and i get a ride to the circus. when i see like a whole bunch of people as circus clowns and crap.. ok katelyn was a seal (it had her head). kyle was one of teh trapeez people. Kim was a clown. and miguel was too spam and michael were the 6 toed freaks... LOLOLOL. they had no shoes and they went up to people asking for shoes bcuz they had 6 toes. LOL it was wierd. then i was the lion tamer person in the middle. and umm anita was driving one of the little red clown cars. and a whole bunch of people came out (including timmy in a santa suit)!!!!!! LOLOLOL. and then kalen HEHE he was a seal. LOLOL. a seal stupid kalen, he was a dumb seal that only know how to make dumb sounds. ne wyas that was exciting. hopfully i cna have many more exciting dreams like that. ohh ohh ohh and ben and penina was monkeys. LOL they had red hats and they walked around playing that jackin the box instrument thing asking for money. LOL it was great.
and ______ was a big fat elephant turd!!! BITCH! that was the highlight...

so umm im out of dreams that i want to talk about.
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!1

Mon, 17 Feb 2003 22:13:45 GMT

WEEKEND:
Friday-worked my fucking ass off for 8 hours, and got stuck closing on v-day picking up the biggest mess i have ever seen. there was a section of cards all over the fucking floor, then some little kid pulled off almost every single stuffed animal off the shelf into the aisl. sucky. i got a v-day present..
***sooo sooo sweet**** that fixed my day.

Saterday- worked on my personal project alld ay until i went to MONSTER JAM with emily. it was soo fun. didn't get home till late, and was really tierd. the trucks were soo awsome.

Sunday-woke up completly sick, couldn't get out of bed and was all dizzy, and i felt awful. home all day alone bcuz my mom was at work, it sucked.

today- am still sick, and have to finish my personal project. can't go to the theater for the play...
(that you should all come too next weekend!!!!!!)
so im bummed....being sick sucks, if i dontget better by tomarrow im gunna be mad!!!

Thu, 13 Feb 2003 19:36:47 GMT

yesterday i got into lots of trouble because i was out in the rain all day long. i think i was out there for about 2-3 hours. it was great. it was one of the best days i have had in a long ass time. it made me feel to alive because i forgot about all my fucking responsibilities and just had fun in the moment. it was great!!! tomarrow is valentines day, and its going to be boring bcuz i have to work all fucking day. like all day. i will wake up go to work, work, close, go home, and go to sleep late at night. its a big ass pile of crap. yesterday at work i got yelled at or in trouble. i guess i was missing some slip that the people have to sign when they use a credit card, and one of them was missing from the droor. as in it fell out or it missed the droor. so i got fucking written up!!! what a load of crap. i hate this fucking job. that practically ruined my great day of rain along with getting in trouble for being in the rain from my mom. what a big load!! i fucking hate people some times, my mom doesn't understand how i am...and i hate that, she thinks im someone different, and anytime she sees something true i get elled at or looked down upon. hummmm

there is a card at work it has chili peppers on the front and you open it up an it says i've got the hots for you! happy valentines day. so that is my mesaage to you all!!!

Sat, 08 Feb 2003 03:19:06 GMT

school sucks...and im so stressed with life right now....i wanna wake up after its all over...

blah..........

Wed, 05 Feb 2003 03:37:14 GMT

today was not alot of fun. no school was a good thing. got some much needed sleep. worked on personal project...sucky. and then had to drive around trying to fix my camera and find out how to do double exposures on it, pain in my ass. then by fucking time we got to the beach it was like almost dark...fucking crap.

I HATE SCHOOL!! it fucking sucks big balls.

longer days

Sat, 01 Feb 2003 02:36:54 GMT

the longer days are always different. im not angry at HIM anymore. the only thing im angry at is that everything went on this way. but ill forget what i can and go on being friends. sometimes i over hear thing like his annoying comments, and i just want to slap him. but then i remember that hes still my friends and i still care about him as a friend. but i have to say i definitaly learned my lesson over him. hes is NOT for me. we liked each other in the wrong way. so its over ill be friends. i have 2 weeks until personal project is due. SHIT!!! Im excited about the formal. it will be fun. and if i see him and talk to him, i might applogize.....for being a bitch the other day. not for anything else..but ya. sometimes my angry comes out over little things that bother the fuck out of me. and the fact that alot of things about him bug me, im a bitch to him.

***note to self. control anger and aggression***]

personal project isn't hard but its time consumming at the same time. once the shit is over i need to spend more "quality" time with friends that i truly care about. i talked to emily today about trust in friends, and thinking about my friends ships. maybe im stupid, crazy, annoying. but the truth is: my friends care about me and will be there for me no matter how stupid i am. or what mistakes i might make. and that truly touches me. even friends that i dont talk to alot. i know care about me because they have never decieved me, and i 'trust' that the wont. friends that i care about alot: katelyn, anita, paige, penina, emily, langa, michael, miguel, kyle C, kiki. there are more friends i care about but those are the ones i truly feel care about me, and wouldn't hurt me on purpose, and would be there for me.

if you care about your friends, and you want them to care for them...all you have to do is show that you care. tell them you care and when you feel your help/advice or w/e is needed be there. is will show and knowing that you have friends like that can make you feel better than anything else.

friends. thank you.

wow....i sound all sentamental. and not even on purpose.. haha

so not much has been going on latelyn. nothing interesting anyways. but like me, i can amuse myself so i have been haveing fun enjoying whats going on around me.

ok enough of the mussy shit!

ARG!!

Wed, 22 Jan 2003 02:11:24 GMT

im not mad, im more upset, im upset that hes such a big fat dyke! i mean what a fucking jerk to go a pull shit like this. changing his mind when he realizes he can't get any more, and hurtintg me in the process. then the fucker just finds her. and the big dick has noooo right AT ALL to go off, and tell people my fucking business. what a jerk. he has the nerve to think ill be going around tell things about him "that no one knows" bullshit. hes nothing. he has no hurt, no pain, there is no hidden secrets. he wants people to feel sorry for him, and to want him. well fuck him and his shit. and if he has the nerve to ignore me, and then go off and be a big mouth bitch like ______, well fuck him!!

AAAARRRRGGGG!!!!!

i so want to like kick him in his balls, but oh wait he would need some to do that!

i hope he gets dumped/hurt, and then no one likes him and wants him, and he never ever gets laid bcuz too many girls have kneed him and hid penis doesn't work anymore! big giant dick!!!

(can anyone tell im mad). haha well only at him. luckly today wa sa great day and i had lots of fun.

so now that i have some time, i need to inform everyone that doesn't know about the new letter. uhhh. i can't type it becuz there are no key boards modern enough for my letter. its sounds like "uhu" and it taked the place of "P". so if you say penis, you would say uhuenis. haha. if anyone needs any more details please let me know adn i can inform the rest of yous illiterate children. thanx!

LOLOL